generalflirt | ~♥THIRTY-SIX♥~

Doesn't mean anything?! Are you listening to yourself?! How hard have you worked?! How much faith has Trafalgar-san put into you?! Nami-chan?! Shikamaru, Sokka, me?! If that's meaningless, then tell me, what does make a person better?!

[And tears are in his eyes by now too. Because if effort is truly meaningless, what does that say about him]

Edited 2012-07-13 06:19 (UTC)

I--

[...what does make a person better? Not killing anyone? Does she really believe that? Then what does that say about Shikamaru? What does it say about Chouji, or any other soldier? Was Aang better than them because he refused to kill? Was her other self better than she was, because she'd never been in a war that forced her to make that choice, instead of casualties falling as they may?

What about her bloodbending? Her recent decision to master it in order to protect her family? Did that make her a worse person? Did she regret it if it did?

If Aang can't accept these changes in her (it felt wrong to even think) was she the one that was really wrong?]

[She frowned and looked down, her hands now carefully laid flat against her thighs.

Better.

Ha.]

Maybe you're right. And maybe "better" isn't the right word for what I mean anyway. More innocent? Less hard. Less dirty. But I've made my choices with my eyes opened. I am proud of being a doctor, I am glad for the people I've helped, and... even though I can't... shake off the deaths of the people I've killed, I'm not sorry for protecting myself and others at their expense.

[...and she's really not. They fought and tried to kill her or the ones that she cares about and they lost. Simple as that.]

[...Ah. She's okay.

He's okay.

It's not meaningless. He wipes his tears with the back of his sleeve, but leaves the arm up there so he looks into the bracelet]

None of those make make you "dirty," none of those make you "hard." The words we're looking for go beyond it all. You're not some ugly person for making the choices you've made... and if you are, then the "Masaomi Kida" I am now who killed another "you" for you and who has slayed so many in drafts is somehow worse than the coward who abandons his friends.

[He got throaty there, he swallows]

At least, that is what I believe.

[How things tumbled into a mess so quickly, she wasn't sure. She didn't care to examine herself or others in this light - match up to the immediate need; fulfill your immediate responsibilities in light of the greater good and helping those around you. That's it. Don't judge or justify your actions, just move forward and keep doing the best that you can.

...she didn't care to do this for herself, not because it reflected necessarily negatively, but because when looked at objectively, she felt she had a lot to be proud of, and she didn't know how to reconcile that with the feelings of shame and helplessness this place engendered.

In some way, a threat from home was almost a blessing: That was a threat she knew she at least stood a chance of being strong enough to defeat.]

I am someone different. At least, I think I am. He's still able to trust me, so maybe I'm not as different as I thought.

[She looks up at him.]

And you need to stop taking on the guilt for "killing" her. For all we know, she was sent back where she belonged.

The day "fate's" kinder to us all I'll agree with that.

[with a smirk. Aang doesn't see you as different. It's almost insulting, both that he doesn't see it and that she somehow thinks her differences are something that should inspire distrust in people. He's still reeling from his own emotional ties to what was just said moments ago. He inhales and exhales, and while in all due honesty it does nothing to calm him, it allows him to fake it better.]

[He holds up his thumb so that he's holding all five fingers up on that other hand. He's seen it now. He didn't see the dance, but he can see it in how she defends him. How she defers to him. How she cows to his demands and seeks his approval.

He's being too mean in his thought process, he knows it. But he'll make another point here-]

Assumption 9: Given time, if you don't already, you'll come to like Aang-kun as well. Ah, but that's obvious, the one he knows loves him. [He closes that hand holding up five fingers] So let's put it a different way: even if you did, right now, there is way too much for you not to be sick at the idea of dating him. The fact you've been told you must and the fact he doesn't see the "you" which was born of two years of trials in this world.

[And he lowers his head after he says that]

...This will be my last assumption I'll make about your relationship to Aang-kun. But please think about it before you hit me or freeze me.

[She doesn't move to hit him or to bend. She's granite. She's ice.

Does it make her sick? Ha. Does it make her feel like she's being buried alive, like the air is disappearing all around her and light is being covered up by dirt, and she's surrounded and choking and there's no one to help her? Ha ha.

Katara has no interest in sharing these feelings with Masaomi, no intention of sharing them further with anyone again, because somehow, somehow, this place has managed to take and twist what should be sweet, and what should be real, and turn it into a mandate, an ultimatum of the heart. She doesn't know how she feels about Aang. He said that he loved her. She believed him. But not once, not once since he'd confessed to her had he done anything to make her think that he really wanted to be with her.

He was giving her space. He was being fair. He didn't want to push unless he knew he could make her happy. She knew that. He'd told her that.

He'd also told her that he was just waiting to go back home. To go back home to a her that she had to believe chose him, but to a relationship which she had no say in.

There was something wrong with that. He was trying so hard, and she couldn't blame him for being comforted by this... future, but she couldn't help but feel it was... twisted somehow.

What about me?

But that wasn't right, it wasn't true because this was Aang. And he would never do that to her. Never.]

I don't know how Aang sees me. I told you - we haven't talked about it. Saying he doesn't see me isn't fair.

[Was that her voice? It sounded distant. Hard.]

Fair, huh. [He says that sharply, equally hard. He really, really is about to explode in that moment. Every single time with the damn fair. You want to know what's not fair, Katara?

It's not fair that his chance was robbed by Aang showing up.

It's not fair that Chouji-kun was sent home, leaving you distraught.

It's not fair that before you were subjected to grandchildren before you were okay with Aang-kun.

It's not fair that the "future" of that girl he killed was taken.

It's not fair that Asuma-san was brought to Luceti only to be taken away.

It's not fair that Mikado is the leader of the Blue Squares and he doesn't even know how.

It's not fair that...]

[It's not fair that he's not in the top three of both his best friend and his beloved]

Fair, huh?!

[He grits his teeth. He raises his voice.

It's not fair that Ikki blabbed everything about the future to them.

It's not fair that Ikki blabbed everything about the future to everyone.

It's not fair that your life should be such a cosmic joke.

It's not fair that as soon as he goes home he'll lose everything.

It's not fair that while he feels that he knows both you and Shikamaru are both just waiting for it.

It's not fair that Aang-kun dies so early and lives you behind.

It's not fair that you're not listening to him.

It's not fair no one sees how wrong Aang-kun is]

Edited 2012-07-13 20:57 (UTC)

[It's not fair that-

He's crying, isn't he? Dammitdammitdammit]

Life has never been fair to me until you, Katara. Until Shikamaru and you and Trafalgar-san and the others. [His voice breaks, even though he tries to keep it flat] Maybe I don't know what "fair" is because of that.

[His voice is throaty as he says this next thing. You want fair? Maybe you will think this is fair, but Masaomi it's something that disgusts him from the bottom of his heart]

...I have talked with Aang. He thinks you and that girl he was dating back home are the same person.

[He doesn't see you at all.]

[If you wanted to see her hurt, Masaomi, if you wanted her control to slip so you could see a raw vein of pain in her soul - you got what you wanted.

Once again, her face pales and her eyes go wide.

No. No, that can't be true.]

[She'd seen him starting to cry. She'd heard the tone in his voice of anger and raw pain. She'd wanted to reach forward and somehow comfort him.

But then he shoved her off her feet. He knocked her down and he kicked her in the face and she gasps because for a moment it's as though she can't see.

And she forgets all about comforting him.

No. That can't be true, that can't be--]

No. You must have misunderstood.

[Because she won't believe he'd lie to her about this. Because that doesn't even cross her mind.]

If he thought I was the same, why wouldn't he pressure me to date him? If he didn't see me, why would he doubt that us dating would make me happy? I don't know what he told you, but I can't believe that.

Edited 2012-07-13 21:45 (UTC)

I won't.

[She abruptly stands to her feet and turns to go off a few paces with her back to him, wrapping her arms around herself for comfort.

She doesn't cry. Not yet. But she probably should be. She feels stripped and raw, too in shock to even react.]

Edited 2012-07-13 21:42 (UTC)

He did say it! Word for word, "Katara is Katara!" [His tone is raw. He doesn't stand.

Don't go, don't leave me.

Why is he pressing this, again? It's only the truth, don't leave me.]

What makes you think he doesn't think that?! I bet he does! I bet he just sees you as confused, not there yet! He told me you weren't dating yet, Katara!

[Why am is he saying this? I have to say this, she had to understand.

The terror gripping his heart. His concern for her. His pain knowing that her best interests are being trampled over. His voice is a mess, his face is probably still wet from his own tears. He probably sounds as scared as he is]

I'm worried about you! Aang-kun is kind, he isn't cruel, he isn't deceptive, but ignorance causes pain too!

Edited 2012-07-13 21:51 (UTC)

[Every word ripped into her. She didn't need this, she didn't want to hear this - on top of everything else? Fears about Amon's arrival, decisions about bloodbending, Ikki, Jinora, Korra - her future. Aang's death.

"I bet he does! I bet he just sees you as confused, not there yet! He told me you weren't dating yet, Katara!"

She whips around, tears finally starting to come to her eyes.]

Well, we're not! We're not dating yet! Where he comes from, we are, where I come from, we're not, and where Ikki comes from we've been married and have grandchildren! I won't believe he thinks that about me!

[That she was just some... error, some aberration.]

He said he was trying to protect my choice - why would he say that if he was just waiting for me to fall in line? He knows what happens when I get back home and when it does I have to believe that I choose him!

["Ignorance causes pain too!"

She knows. She knows it does. But she can bear that pain if it means protecting the people that she cares about.]

[Worth Noting: Linda is actually glaring at Katara now. Not that she thinks Katara will necessarily be a danger to her trainer, but her trainer's obviously hurting. They both are, obviously. But to her nothing matters more than her boy's well being and she's not sure if she should put a stop to this by stopping her or stopping him. She's sparking a little in her frustration.]

Because he's kind, Katara! [His voice is breaking. He's a mess. He must be a mess

The kindest person in the world is going to want things to fall their way, and if they've experienced it already, expect things to fall their way.]

What are you protecting?! Him?! You're not even looking at a choice, I know you're not! The only choice you've made is- ["to be miserable-" No. No, that's too harsh. EXHALE. BREATHE]

[He's panting, still crying, but he forces himself to say this in the calmest tone he can possibly manage]

This isn't about me, just so you know. This isn't even about him or those grandchildren or the future or your world or any of that. This is about you shouldering way more pain than is necessary. And you know it, and you think it's right, don't you.

Edited 2012-07-13 23:54 (UTC)

[This would be much easier to dismiss if it didn't echo so clearly what Sokka had spoken with her about.

"So you're trapped. Like Yue.

Your future has already been decided for who you'll marry. But it's not what you want. But you think you have to do it because of other people."

"Things are different here. And you can't protect him from that forever."

"I know that. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try."

Get it together, Katara. Look at him.

This isn't about you. Ha. Look at him.

Masaomi, I can't afford to make anything about me.

She slowly walks over to him and sits down across from him. If he'll let her, she'll even reach out to take his hand.]

I understand that you're concerned about me. This has been an awful lot and I won't deny that I feel... trapped. But I'm not going to make any decision about what Aang does or doesn't think about me without talking to him. I'm glad you told me this, even though your timing sucks and your delivery --

[Left a lot to be desired?

Ha, she can't be that casual.

(Why does she keep laughing, this isn't funny.)

She looks down, her throat clogged with emotion.]

-- I think you know you hurt me.

[She shuts her eyes and a tear streams down her cheek.]

I'm doing the only thing that I see that I can. This is just one part of life. More pain than necessary? How much pain is necessary to endure in order to protect the people you love?

[She opens her eyes and looks at him.]

However much is enough, right? I'm not saying this is a small part of my life--

[fresh tears fill her eyes]

--and I'm not saying that - that it's not important to me. But I won't be happy if my actions hurt the people I care about. I can't live with myself like that. I've been single for most of my life--

[she feels a sob try to work its way out of her throat; manifests it as a laugh. her lungs squeeze painfully and she has to drop her eyes again for a moment before she meets his own whiskey-shot gaze. She does love his eyes.]

--I can handle it a little longer.

[It takes everything, absolutely everything he has to keep looking at her through that entire speech. It takes everything he has to hold his tongue. Because... because what point is there at this point. She hears his points and ignores them. She doesn't want to consider the alternatives - no, maybe she does, and she just knows she can't have them.

This is about you, it has to be about you.

He pets Linda to pacify her and to focus himself. He pets her with his thumb on the free hand rubbing her ports, forcing her to stop charging them]

But no, as he meets her gaze at the end there, tears streaming down his face- Of course he let her take his hand. He doesn't smile, not yet. He can't smile just yet. But he's comforted by her touch, comforted by her gaze. he makes no effort to take her hand back though, despite letting her take his, until she finishes]

Speak...-speaking of timing. Assumption 10: If all this hadn't happened, if you were still unaware of Aang's feelings and the future - you and I would have been dating by now. I... I hope I would have managed to- ah, no. I would have managed to make you very happy. The us of that world would both be very happy.

[And now he he laughs, a mirthless, ironic sort of laugh]

"Fate" has never been that kind to us, has it?

Edited 2012-07-14 01:10 (UTC)

[Knowing it is one thing and hearing it out loud is something else.

Happy. Would they have been happy? Some - some clasp of control snaps over her heart and Katara presses her lips firmly together, but it doesn't do any good because they shake anyway and she shuts her eyes but the tears flow anyway and she just sobs.

She wants to be happy.

Quickly, she moved to reclaim her hand and cover her face as Katara just collapses into tears, like a puppet cut free of its strings.]

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